This is a difficult post.
My 92 year old mother-in-law wants to go home. That is, she wants to die. When we visit her, daily, at the assisted living center where she resides, her life is coming to an end. In her moments of conscioiusness, she says, "I wanna go home...but God won't let me...I wanna go home.". I cannot bring myself to pray for her that she dies.
I've been in this situation in the past with a more distant relative, and I prayed that he went home, and he did. But this is too close.
I want to pray that God accepts her, and welcomes her, but I cannot. I wrestle with this daily. I tend to believe that in His time, she will go. But of late, my wife is asking me to pray for her to go home. I resist! Damn....I resist. I don't know why, but I resist.
Tomorrow I hope to be moved to pray for her to go home. That's tomorrow. Right now, I love the lady, and I love what she means to me. Am I being selfish? Am I only thinking about me? I don't know, but we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I feel that I lack the courage to compell her to give it up. I pray that our loving lord will move me when the time is right to pray for her to go home. For now, she brings such a light to my soul. For now, she makes me feel worthy. For now, she, as God's intuit, opens my mind to His presence in our midsts. What a lovely lady.
In a few short days I may be reflecting upon our loss, but for now, I'm reflecting upon her being, as one who exhorts us to turn to God in times of difficulty. Yes, even in her difficult state, she knows God's will and exhorts to us that we should be more in it. How do you let someone that wonderful go? How?
Sorry for the gloom and doom, but it obsesses me, my wife, and her siblings. Maw...let us know when the time is right to lift you up to our lord. Let us know when it is time. At that time, I'll pray with the authority God has given me to take you home. Till then, keep being the wonderful YOU that you are.
May someone who is in a similar situation find comfort from me sharing. It is a difficult position to be in, difficult, indeed.